A Few Good Men

An umpire parody of the famous monologue by Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men".


You can't handle the plate! Coach, we work in a ballpark that has fences. And those fences have to be guarded by men with plate shoes. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Coach Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep about balls and strikes and you curse the Men in Blue. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that interference calls, while tragic, probably get outs. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, gets outs...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that plate. You need me on that plate.

We use words like fair, foul, strike...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending baseball. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very arbitration I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a chest protector and take the stick. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think about my zone!

 

A Non E Mous.......WITH ALL DUE RESPECT......

but, what in the He*& are you talking about and exactly what is your point??

Thanks,

 

I don't care why he posted or about any point.
It's hillarious!
I love it!

Now, can some coach rewrite it from a coach to ump or coach to parent slant? Who's the Wordsworth?

 

I'd like to go in on a coach/umpire to parent one. Not particularly interested in a coach to umpire one.